BREAKING NEWS: Rafa Benitez Canonized by Pope Benedict XVI

Former Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez has become the first living person in human history to be accorded the honour of Sainthood.

Pope Benedict XVI presided over a special canonization service for Saint Benitez earlier today at St Peter's Basilica at the Vatican. Led by 'Cardinals' from RAWK - the Church of Rafa Benitez - Tens of thousands of his devoted disciples made the pilgrimage to Vatican City to witness this remarkable historical event.

To be canonized a saint, at least one miracle is necessary, and Mr Benitez's route to Sainthood began in 2005 with the 'Miracle of Istanbul', an achievement never before matched in the history of miracles, and a key factor in the Catholic Church's decision to proceed with Canonization. After that momentous event, an organization known as the 'Brothers of Benitez' was created to promote the cause of his sainthood.

Since that time, many other groups have joined the crusade to have Mr Benitez accorded the god-like status of Sainthood, including the moderate Pro-Benitez Brigade, The Spirit of Benitez (the SOBs) and the Pro-Benitez Scientologists (also known as the 'Pro Benitez Cult', a label they vociferously refute).

The various groups had previously campaigned for the Church to create a brand new honour to recognise the miraculous achievements of Saint Benitez, arguing that instead of canonisation, he be elevated to a level they referred to as 'Godhood'.

An Operating Thetan from the Pro-Benitez Scientologists explained:

"We have always maintained that Mr Benitez is a God, and whilst being elevated to the status of Saint is an incredible, we will continue to campaign for the Pope to create and confer the honour of 'Godhood' ".

At the beginning of his homily, the Pope explained how "today's liturgy offers us a fundamental teaching: the importance of ceaseless prayer, to both God and his servants, of whom Saint Benitez is one"..

"Blind Faith is essential as the basis for prayerful behaviour", said the Holy Father, noting that "this was the approach of the Brothers of Benitez who - along with other blind faith organisations - had proposed the veneration of Mr Benitez".

The Pope highlighted how Saint Benitez "lived for what He most loves: to reach all people and bring them the hope that does not waver, especially those who need Him most. Though possessing few resources, and constantly waging war with the forces of Evil, he managed to inspire his disciples to dedicate themselves to teaching and to the promotion of blind faith and groupthink. This is how the Congregation of the Spirit of Benitez was founded, which today sees in its founder a model of sublime life to be imitated, and a mission to be continued in the many countries already reached by the spirit and apostolic zeal of Saint Benitez".

After the ceremony, a clearly awed and tearful Bishop from the Church of Benitez added:

"The man is a living deity; he proved that with Istanbul, and by finishing second in the Premier League in 2008, which he amazingly achieved despite having to constantly battle the forces of evil throughout the season."

A Cardinal from the Spirit of Benitez eulogised:

"This is vindication of our belief that Saint Benitez is, as a matter of fact, a godlike figure. We have argued for years that he is incapable of wrong, and that every decision he has made in his battle with forces of evil has been divine and inalienable. As this elevation proves, he is - and always has been - possessed of heroic virtue, and anyone that thinks otherwise is guilty of heresy".

After the ceremony, Saint Benitez offered these holy words:

"It is a great honour, no? It was always my idea to have a strong connection with the fans. The fans know my idea, and they know what I was trying to achieve. But I want to talk about facts. I want to be clear. I have seen some facts; I have seen the light.

It was also clear that Saint Benitez's battles with the forces of Evil still played on his mind though as the conversation quickly turned to wars he fought on his way to being canonized:

"Two years ago we were playing a lot of early kick-offs away on Saturdays when United were playing on Sundays. And we didn't say anything. Ferguson was complaining about everything, that everybody was against United. If you want to ask again what was going on, it’s simple: they changed something and, at the end, they changed everything. You can analyse the facts and come to your own decision and ideas."

Saint Benitez was presented to a crowd of millions after his ceremony, many of whom were in tears, writhing on the ground in adulation. Saint Benitez accepted the outpouring of love and affection, and offered his first words of wisdom as a newly canonised Saint, words which were met with an unprecedented level of applause:

"We have a saying in Spanish, which is: 'White liquid in a bottle has to be milk, and I think that has been proved today, no?'"

His words were met with a level of rapturous applause and spine-tingling devotion that I have never before experienced in my lifetime, and I say that without hyperbole.

The Archbishop of the Pro-Benitez Scientologists summed up the feeling after the ceremony:

"He may only be a Saint at this stage but his millions of disciples know Saint Benitez is God. We feel it; we see it every day, and we will continue to campaign for our God to officially be accorded the honour of Godhood. It is a religious and spiritual imperative, and the most important goal any of us could ever hope to achieve".

NB: This is not an attack on Rafa - it is an attack on the Pro-Benitez Cult who deify him, the same Cult that is calling for Roy Hodgson's head after only 4 months in the job.

Definition of PRO-BENITEZ CULT: Deluded, Scientology-esque minority cabal of rabid, fanatical sycophants who attack, ridicule and denigrate anyone who has the audacity to (legitimately) question the managerial reign of their cherished deity, Saint Rafa Benitez.

Jaimie Kanwar