14 Oct 2009

Rafa Benitez found guilty over 'unforgiveable' and 'psychologically damaging' spectacle stunt.

After Liverpool’s opening day defeat to Spurs, Rafa Benitez shocked the football world with a tasteless, highly offensive gag at the expense of referee Phil Dowd. Football fans, players and managers around the world were outraged by Benitez’s heinous conduct, which according to the FA, plunged football into a ‘state of almost irreparable disrepute’. Yesterday, the balance was thankfully restored as the ultra-efficient FA took swift and brutal action against the now-disgraced Liverpool manager.

August 16th 2009 - a day that will live in infamy. On this most disappointing of days, observers around the globe watched with shocked disbelief as Benitez committed the shameless and still-incomprehensible act of removing his spectacles from their case during a press conference.

What followed was an audible gasp of disbelief from the assembled press-pack as Benitez - in an unrepentant act of defiance - had the audacity to put them down again.

The sheer gravity of the offence cannot be overestimated:

1. Benitez removed his spectacles from their case
2. He then put them down again.

The always fair and efficient FA wasted no time in pushing this abhorrent incident right to the top of their agenda. At the time, a visibly shaken FA Spokesperson tried to put the organisation’s shock into words:

“Mr Benitez’s actions have plunged football into a state of almost irreparable disrepute. The chain of causality for this abominable act is clear - with pre-meditated contempt, Mr Benitez willfully and deliberately sought to offend the honour of a well-respected referee. As such, the Liverpool manager let himself, his team and the fans down, not to mention the wider football community”.

FIFA President Michel Platini was also enraged by the incident:

"Never in all my years in football have I witnessed something so monstrous. We will need to assess the situation and see if there is a way we can repair the damage this has done to FIFA's football family. First and foremost though, Mr Benitez needs to be disciplined for the outrageously offensive nature of his actions".

Amid growing public unrest that included mass demonstrations across the country, Benitez received his much-deserved comeuppance yesterday when he was found guilty by the FA regulatory commission, which stated:

“A Regulatory Commission of The Football Association has found Mr Rafael Benitez guilty of serious misconduct in relation to an injurious breach of FA Rule E3, arising out of an offensive gesture made by him...following the Premier League match between Tottenham Hotspur and Liverpool. The Commission concluded the gesture was objectively offensive, psychologically damaging to Mr Dowd, and irretrievably harmful to the very future of football”

“The Commission noted Mr Benitez’s previous exemplary disciplinary record over 23 years as a coach and manager at the highest level of the sport, but the destructive and debilitating nature of the act dictated that we could not take this into consideration.”

“Unfortunately, due to the limitations placed on us by European Law, we are unable to punish Mr Benitez with the severity he deserves. The FA plans, however, to take this issue to the Court of Arbitration and push for a one year ban from football for this vicious attack on the integrity of the game”.

Phil Dowd, who was so psychologically damaged by the incident that he had to be sectioned and admitted to Broadmoor mental hospital, was interviewed from his hospital bed about the decision:

“Benitez destroyed my life. I just couldn’t recover from… [Mr Dowd struggles against the restraints] I lost my friends! My family! My livelihood! My self-respect! You don't understand!! I coulda been a contender - I coulda been somebody...instead of a bum, which is what I am...”

Disgraced Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez - believed to be in hiding somewhere in Spain - was unavailable for comment.

NB: Since there so many humourless people out there, NewsNow requires that I clearly mark this as 'humour. So - just in case there are any idiots out there who misunderstand, this is JUST FOR FUN. It is clearly not true.


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  1. LMAO! Now lets see if Fergie has his wrists slapped. 8-)

  2. Ha ha.... a good read to waste a bit of my boring lunch hour at work.... Thoroughly enjoyed it... what a farce!

  3. LOL.. refreshing! Now let's see what  'Uncle' Fergie gets... The chaps at the FA need their heads examined as a minimum...

  4. Im not being biased but you can't compare Rafa to Fergie!, Fergie was effing and blinding right in the face of the 4th official. Never mind slagging off the ref's fitness he will get hammered for intimidating the official, he can't help himself and needs some anger management therapy.

  5. haha so funny how you're "humour" is so shit you need to point out when you're making a joke. do you have many friends, jamie?